Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Human r simple? why aint i?

Looking at my previous post...there seems to be many things i left out...the tissue box cover i gave him...so cute...i also forgot to take a photo of it....hmmm...that tissue box cover...gave him le then realised it's a wrong choice of gift...i think i was too obsessed with choosing things concerning pigs and cows such that i forgot his allergy to dust....to me...i was thinking: he uses tissue very often...so get him a tissue box cover is the best! cos whenever he take tissue from the tissue box...he will have to think of me....arh....but i forgot...that soft-toy-like tissue cover could accumulate dust and eventually the tissue he take out from there will be dusty as well...aiyo...blur me lor....hais...duno why everytime when i try to do something to its best....something muz go wrong to make me feel incompetent de...wat's up with me man...

i use to believe that life is always fair...when u experience something good...u'll experience an equal amt of bad things as well...but why muz all my bad things be linked to my good things??? isn't there anything that have only good and no bad?

today...woke up late!!it's a short day....jus 2 hr of lesson....got a long day to rest for me...i shld wake up at 8...leave at 9 and reach sch at 10 for the lab class...end up....9:38 then woke up...rush up rush down....9:50 left hse le....ain't i fast! cannot decide if i shld take taxi....then in the end nvr take....reach sch at ard 10:45....they finished doing 2 out of 3 experiments le....kindof feel left out cos i din participate....i know it's my fault....and y the hell i cant wake up on time...???!

then after the experiment...went club room with carol...see if her dear can make it for lunch with her....if nt then can ask her be my lunch mate...haha...but too bad....din wanna be light bulb also...being a light bulb is one of the thing i hate most....=( then jus when i decided to go home and eat ta bao food...yay...saw jun han....ask him company me go eat....then waited for him to go print his tutorial for his class later....then went techno edge....end up reach there....so many ppl...so still ta bao in the end....-_- nvm...at least got company...if come home have to face my maid...and brother....i'll sure feel super irritated de....nowadays my parents are always busy with their sunrider career....even now...they are out for sunrider classes....i know they are working hard to earn more money for the family....but nowadays they dun really have time for us anymore...for my case...it may be my fault cos i have too many activities, sch and work going on....but my brother?jus on sunday...i purposely ask my mum if my brother's test is the next day....she got to hesistate for quite some time before telling me yes....and the "yes" was not even with confidence.....my dad....always indulging my bro with games and play thing....sometimes i wonder if he cares about his studies...how come he can always dun get him to study....i really dun understand....is it because he feel that young boys are lidat de(play while he can then study can pass can liao)....or he feel that my brother can score flying colors even without studying? the fact is...when he was in primary 2....he can already fail his subjects.....which i really duno how he did that...i think he is spoilt by my dad le....everytime he din do well...my parents would say i never teach him well....how come all the responsibility land on my shoulders when he is jus my brother?? doesnt parents have any part to play????how would my brother ever sit down and study when im the only one who's asking him to do that???? if im a kid...my parents dun really ask about my homework....then this stupid sister keep asking me to study study study......i'll also chose to ignore her words and continue playing....cos i know my parents will back me up if anything happens....i really give up le....i dun feel like spending anymore effort in teaching him....not even abit....the more i teach....the more dishearted i am....haiz.....these few days is his test....CA1...nowadays i see him watch tv....play computer....i feel so much like scolding him.....he keep thinking he is very old and can run his own life le....argh....but what is he doing????sometimes i even hope that he will do very very very badly for this time round's test such that he will learn his lesson.....shucks!

today when having meal with jun han outside club room at one of the tables...we chatted here and there....somehow i realise quite abit about myself....even thou this is my blog....im nt even truthful to it....there are many things in me....all hidden....deeply inside me....that no one knows....i cant face alot of things....im jus running away....avoiding everything that is to my disadvantage....many times i wan to be truthful...but because of my selfishness....because i scare to lose things that belongs to me...i kept them in my heart....last time....in my world...there is only right or wrong....i would do all the right things and avoid all the wrong things.....duno since when....right and wrong no longer have a clear line to separate them....i still dun have the courage to face many wrongs i've done....and everyday im commiting more wrongs....i think if im a christian....i would be those called "sinner" bah....i used to be a very simple person....but as i grow up....i came across more things....more things which i know yet i cant say....helping ppl keeping secrets....helping myself keep secrets....the burden is really heavy....also...maybe im a coward....many things....many unhappiness in me....might be able to be solved if i had jus say them out when they happened....yet i chose to keep quiet....i dun like arguements...i dun like to confront people....so the things i dun like just happen again and again....my tolerance level is dropping....but im unable to let it out either....i duno the consequences....im not confident at all...and i dun do things im not confident in....maybe becos im scare of failures....i begin to hate myself more and more....because...im no longer the weijuan who can face everything truthfully.....

Still In Love9:48 PM

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